I haven’t written recently as I was worried about tempting fate after my early bleeds… however I am happy to report at 14 + 4 that baby is doing fine 🙂
This has been a horrendous few months of pregnancy healthwise. I can’t even pretend otherwise! The physical symptoms have been debilitating enough, but the mental health has been even worse. I am stable and my bipolar isn’t playing up, but that doesn’t mean I am not suffering. Every morning I wake up in panic that I will be bleeding, every evening in bed I cry in case when I wake in the morning my baby is gone. I know how irrational this sounds, but when you know it’s your last chance to have a baby panic sets in. Then you look to Google for reassurance and it does the opposite. I never knew how increased the risks are to become a mother and carry a child at 36. It’s scary! Then put constant nausea and extreme fatigue on top of that and life becomes interesting.
Anyway, this is a positive post as I am out of that stage!
I am relaxing and starting to believe that I will have this baby and my family will expand. I am starting to see my happy ever after with my children. I have found a strength I forgot I had. I am grasping it with both hands. I am never letting it go. This is me now; strong forever.
I haven’t heard from my family still, and nor do I expect to. I have also had friends that have been let downs. Does this upset me? No. It would have done before the pregnancy, but now I see what matters in life. My family disowning me because they don’t approve of my pregnancy is their choice; let them get on with it. I can find my own happiness with my little family. You are better off without people that drag you down and don’t accept you for who you are. The same goes for friends. Is a friend a true friend if they aren’t happy for you or only have contact on their terms? If they don’t support you when you believe you are going through a miscarriage, why would you want a friend like that? That’s not a proper friend. I would rather have a handful of true friends than many fake ones. The ones that have proved themselves have stepped up and helped me realise this.
I do like being in a position of clarity and feeling that I can move forward with my life having filtered the good from the bad. One of the hardest things with my mental health is that I have bad relationships with people because I don’t value myself enough. Well now I am valuing myself and in the process making better friendships. It is liberating and I feel I am being true to myself.
I can feel my little bean swimming in my womb in the evenings. I already feel so proud to be its Mummy. I feel that we can overcome any challenge that comes our way so long as we have each other. I can’t wait to continue on this journey and see my bean develop and grow until the day he/she can be swaddled in my arms 🙂