And then I crash down…

I knew it was too good to be true.

One thing I have learnt from living with bipolar is that just as things are and seem OK, life comes crashing down. Nothing has to happen in life for that occurrence, it just happens spontaneously.

I should be so happy. I found out yesterday I am carrying a beautiful and healthy baby boy.

Instead I feel sorry for my unborn son that he has me as a mother and guilty that he has no one but me. My father’s and sister’s words echo through my mind reinforcing my inadequacy to be a parent. I am terrified to love him as he will leave me. I am terrified not to love him.

I lie to everyone about how I am really feeling as I feel ashamed and I can’t take their judgement. I know no one understands my mental health and prefers to pretend it isn’t happen. In return I hide it from them in a desperate attempt to appear ‘normal’.

I am working 2 jobs and redoing my house. I am not giving myself a moments peace in an attempt to blackout my negative thought process.

Nothing helps.

The hole just gets deeper.

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