Limbo Land

I have lied. I have lied to everyone. I have lied because I can’t cope with the potential truth.

I had my scan the other day. I was due to be 6 weeks and 4 days. The ultrasound didn’t show up much due to me being so early so she did an internal scan. She told me that she could see a 11mm yolk sac and a 2mm fetal pole but it was too small to see a heart beat. 

I have told everyone that there was an obvious flickering heartbeat. I lied.

I have been booked in for another scan in 2 weeks to see if the pregnancy has progressed or if what she saw was a sac and cells that have already stopped growing.

I am in complete denial. The bleeding has stopped, my boobs are sore and my blood pressure is low. I keep telling myself that for as long as I have symptoms I have  a live pregnancy. Not true. Symptoms can be psychosomatic or they can be there due to pregnancy hormones still being in the system.

I went to lunch with a friend today. I refused a glass of wine as proudly said I couldn’t do that to my baby. I didn’t add I didn’t know if there still is a baby.

I want to believe it’s still there so much that until the next scan I refuse point blank to think otherwise

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