Woke this morning and the pink spotting had stopped – yay! I took myself off on bed rest for the day and was extremely excited when at around 3pm I felt nauseous. I know most people hate a pregnancy symptom, but at the moment they are all I want to feel. I want to feel sick all day every day and know that it’s because my baby is alive and well.
I had decided we were going to be alright; we were going to make it. I spent the day chatting with friends, arranging a hair appointment and even dared to browse at baby clothes in a shop on a trip out.
This evening I had a stressful call with the ex, had been to police and dropped charges and could feel my stress levels rising again. I sat down, had another vitamin drink and tried to think calm thoughts for the baby.
Then it just happened. The blood came back. This time it was red, not pink. We all know fresh red blood is not a good sign in a pregnancy. Once again I am thinking this must be the beginning of the end. However I am more certain than ever. Bleeding doesn’t get heavier and darker for no reason.
All I can do is hope against hope that my baby is safe and well. I can’t even begin to think about what I will do if it’s not. This is my last chance. Cells to everyone else, this is MY baby and I love it with all my heart. With every drop of blood I lose, the crack in my heart deepens.