27th December 2017

4 days ago I ended my relationship. I am not good at or made for relationships due to my bipolar. I am sure many can relate to this! I am irrational, up and down, intense and overbearing.

I had, however, been feeling even more emotional and up and down than usual. No surprise really, I was due on. Even the sanest of women can show signs of insanity when her time of the month is due!

I decided to do a pregnancy test. Mostly to reassure myself that overindulging in alcohol over Christmas wasn’t going to do any harm. The other part of me was because I have been desperate for a baby for the last 2 years. I tried 3 rounds of AI with an anonymous donor in 2016 without success and have been convinced my eggs have totally gone off. After all, I am the wrong side of 35 now!  

2 lines appeared on the test.

With my negative mindset, there is no way I believe this.

I borrow my 12 year old daughter’s Christmas money to buy more tests. We’re still positive!

I then borrow my 11 year old son’s Christmas money to buy more tests. We’re still positive!

And now all I can think is FUCK. I am terrified of losing this thing that I have wanted for so long. The fear is overwhelming. The irrational thought process is so intense I can feel my anxiety trying to push me into hyperventilation.

The fact I am single is not even crossing my mind at the moment. I have been a single mother my whole life. I am sure it will have more relevance soon.

I shall sleep on this. If I can.

All I know is I am terrified of losing this beautiful being that is growing inside me. The size of a poppy seed. Yet my love for it could fill Flanders Field with them.

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