28th December 2017

Sent a photo of one of many pregnancy tests to the ex. He made a good joke about how I couldn’t say he didn’t get me anything for Christmas. For the record; he didn’t get me anything for Christmas.

Maybe I should give a bit of relationship background. 

We had been together 7 months. It was very lust based and we are very different people with completely opposite backgrounds. More importantly, we have different moral standards and acceptable behaviours in life. An example being drugs aren’t acceptable in my world; they are in his.

A month ago we moved house together. I did all the packing, all the dismantling and re-erecting furniture and he just sat on the sofa watching TV saying he’d do things ‘tomorrow’. We’ve all watched Annie and know how that turns out. I think this is when I started to get put off him. My frustration triggered a bipolar episode. When I am like that I can be mean and evil. I was constantly in tears, he was belittling my mental health, arguing daily so after 2 weeks of this I asked him to leave. Which he did. As far as I was concerned the relationship was over. Completely done and dusted; no looking back. Tinder already downloaded! 

Then I discover I’m pregnant.

I have been here before. My darling daughter (12) was rejected by her father before she was born. He came into her life briefly when she was 11 and left just as suddenly. My darling son (11) had an even worse father who rejected him on the basis it would upset me as he knew how upset I was my daughter had been rejected. Neither are a loss on a personal level to my children, but they are on an emotional one. However, I have proven I can cope as a single parent.

I know I have coped fine. More than coped. My children excel at school and are well rounded. So why is my mind so consumed with fears right now about my inability  as a mother? Sleep is impossible. 

I am terrified for my mental health in pregnancy, anyone with bipolar lives with the fear they could develop postpartum psychosis or something similar.

Most of all I am concerned about losing my baby. I don’t feel I have done anything to deserve this gift, yet it is all I want. My all encompassing negative thought process is ruling my brain. I just want to shut it out and feel a flutter of excitement. I then think that by being negative with my thought process I am somehow hurting my baby and feel guilty. For the record it is a 4 week and 4 day embryo. We are yet to make foetal stage, let alone baby.

All I want is to relax, enjoy the blessing that is inside me and hope against all hope that I can do this. If anything happens, I really don’t know how I’ll cope.

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