And then I crash down…

I knew it was too good to be true.

One thing I have learnt from living with bipolar is that just as things are and seem OK, life comes crashing down. Nothing has to happen in life for that occurrence, it just happens spontaneously.

I should be so happy. I found out yesterday I am carrying a beautiful and healthy baby boy.

Instead I feel sorry for my unborn son that he has me as a mother and guilty that he has no one but me. My father’s and sister’s words echo through my mind reinforcing my inadequacy to be a parent. I am terrified to love him as he will leave me. I am terrified not to love him.

I lie to everyone about how I am really feeling as I feel ashamed and I can’t take their judgement. I know no one understands my mental health and prefers to pretend it isn’t happen. In return I hide it from them in a desperate attempt to appear ‘normal’.

I am working 2 jobs and redoing my house. I am not giving myself a moments peace in an attempt to blackout my negative thought process.

Nothing helps.

The hole just gets deeper.

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Moving forward with a smile :)

I haven’t written recently as I was worried about tempting fate after my early bleeds… however I am happy to report at 14 + 4 that baby is doing fine 🙂

This has been a horrendous few months of pregnancy healthwise. I can’t even pretend otherwise! The physical symptoms have been debilitating enough, but the mental health has been even worse. I am stable and my bipolar isn’t playing up, but that doesn’t mean I am not suffering. Every morning I wake up in panic that I will be bleeding, every evening in bed I cry in case when I wake in the morning my baby is gone. I know how irrational this sounds, but when you know it’s your last chance to have a baby panic sets in. Then you look to Google for reassurance and it does the opposite. I never knew how increased the risks are to become a mother and carry a child at 36. It’s scary! Then put constant nausea and extreme fatigue on top of that and life becomes interesting.

Anyway, this is a positive post as I am out of that stage!

I am relaxing and starting to believe that I will have this baby and my family will expand. I am starting to see my happy ever after with my children. I have found a strength I forgot I had. I am grasping it with both hands. I am never letting it go. This is me now; strong forever.

I haven’t heard from my family still, and nor do I expect to. I have also had friends that have been let downs. Does this upset me? No. It would have done before the pregnancy, but now I see what matters in life. My family disowning me because they don’t approve of my pregnancy is their choice; let them get on with it. I can find my own happiness with my little family. You are better off without people that drag you down and don’t accept you for who you are. The same goes for friends. Is a friend a true friend if they aren’t happy for you or only have contact on their terms? If they don’t support you when you believe you are going through a miscarriage, why would you want a friend like that? That’s not a proper friend. I would rather have a handful of true friends than many fake ones. The ones that have proved themselves have stepped up and helped me realise this.

I do like being in a position of clarity and feeling that I can move forward with my life having filtered the good from the bad. One of the hardest things with my mental health is that I have bad relationships with people because I don’t value myself enough. Well now I am valuing myself and in the process making better friendships. It is liberating and I feel I am being true to myself.

I can feel my little bean swimming in my womb in the evenings. I already feel so proud to be its Mummy. I feel that we can overcome any challenge that comes our way so long as we have each other. I can’t wait to continue on this journey and see my bean develop and grow until the day he/she can be swaddled in my arms 🙂

Limbo Land

I have lied. I have lied to everyone. I have lied because I can’t cope with the potential truth.

I had my scan the other day. I was due to be 6 weeks and 4 days. The ultrasound didn’t show up much due to me being so early so she did an internal scan. She told me that she could see a 11mm yolk sac and a 2mm fetal pole but it was too small to see a heart beat. 

I have told everyone that there was an obvious flickering heartbeat. I lied.

I have been booked in for another scan in 2 weeks to see if the pregnancy has progressed or if what she saw was a sac and cells that have already stopped growing.

I am in complete denial. The bleeding has stopped, my boobs are sore and my blood pressure is low. I keep telling myself that for as long as I have symptoms I have  a live pregnancy. Not true. Symptoms can be psychosomatic or they can be there due to pregnancy hormones still being in the system.

I went to lunch with a friend today. I refused a glass of wine as proudly said I couldn’t do that to my baby. I didn’t add I didn’t know if there still is a baby.

I want to believe it’s still there so much that until the next scan I refuse point blank to think otherwise

2 Become 1?

Woke this morning and the pink spotting had stopped – yay! I took myself off on bed rest for the day and was extremely excited when at around 3pm I felt nauseous. I know most people hate a pregnancy symptom, but at the moment they are all I want to feel. I want to feel sick all day every day and know that it’s because my baby is alive and well.

I had decided we were going to be alright; we were going to make it. I spent the day chatting with friends, arranging a hair appointment and even dared to browse at baby clothes in a shop on a trip out. 

This evening I had a stressful call with the ex, had been to police and dropped charges and could feel my stress levels rising again. I sat down, had another vitamin drink and tried to think calm thoughts for the baby. 

Then it just happened. The blood came back. This time it was red, not pink. We all know fresh red blood is not a good sign in a pregnancy. Once again I am thinking this must be the beginning of the end. However I am more certain than ever. Bleeding doesn’t get heavier and darker for no reason.

All I can do is hope against hope that my baby is safe and well. I can’t even begin to think about what I will do if it’s not. This is my last chance. Cells to everyone else, this is MY baby and I love it with all my heart. With every drop of blood I lose, the crack in my heart deepens.

Pink spotting – it feels the end is in sight 😞

It has been a while since I posted, and lots has happened since with the ex. The long and short of it mean his bail conditions currently mean he can’t contact me. More about that another time!

So I have had a horrendous weekend. I have been pink spot bleeding off and on and I have stopped feeling pregnant. I have contacted the EPU and they say only to go in if I have really severe blood loss. Outside of that, they wont see me. I was booked in for a scan this Thursday.

It seems like the thing I feared and dreaded most is becoming an actual reality. My body is not allowing me to carry the one thing I want the most.

I feel guilty. I have been so stressed. I found out a close friend had passed suddenly in his sleep and I am concerned that my stress has contributed to the miscarriage I am beginning.

Also, what does one do in this situation? I am using a pad in case blood flow increases, but do I rest? Do I carry on as normal?

Devastated doesn’t even come close to how I am feeling. I had been so excited to meet my baby and expand my family. To everyone else this is a group of cells. To me this is my baby that I have been a mother to for the last couple of weeks.

I am still in too much of a state of shock to comprehend how this will affect me long term. I don’t want to believe it’s happening.

31st December 2017

Not sure I should have been worrying so much about the impact potentially being a part time Dad would have on my ex. My New Years Eve parting comment from him was he wishes it had never happened.

It being Eggy the Embryo growing nicely in my uterus.

That will be 3 put of 3 men I have fallen pregnant by completely letting the male race down then!

Apparently I’m tired, sick, emotional, dizzy and keep saying I’m scared I’ll lose it. Funny that. I think that’s called pregnancy.

He looked at me with contempt and threw at me ‘You said you couldn’t have kids anyway!’. Nope. I have never said that. I have said I have tried AI and have struggled to conceive.

There is no empathy or understanding for what is going on in my body at the moment. He really is a disgustingly selfish human being. All it does is put me off and off. I would rather do this on my own than with someone that chops and changes when they feel like it. Especially as the only reason he is in my home is my guilt at him potentially being a part time Dad!

What I am amazed at, is that my bipolar is pretty stable. I haven’t had any dark moments, except for ones justified by a situation or circumstance. It makes me believe I can actually do this. I can do it on my own and I can do it successfully. 

The best part about all this however…. when I wake in the morning it is a whole new year. It is up to ME what direction to take my future and my happiness.

30th December 2017

So the ex arrived today. It appears he thought that we are now back in a full blown relationship just because I’m pregnant. It doesn’t work like that. More importantly we don’t work.

I am resenting him being in my bed; I just want to starfish.

Nothing has changed. He watched me do all the domestic chores knowing I have nausea and dizziness and just carried on reading his book. That is a step up to be fair, he would normally have full control of the remote but my daughter has decided to put her foot down! Not sure even he could sit through hours of American teenage crap.

This is where I have a real moral dilemma. He never wants to be a part time Dad again. He wants this for keeps. But I don’t want to be with someone just for the baby, it will only trigger my mental health issues even more and resentment will grow. If it hasn’t already. His snoring annoys me, his laziness pisses me off, his inability to do jobs around the house drives me insane and let’s not even start on his unhousetrained dogs.

But what right do I have to not allow a father to have a family life with his child? How is it fair for me to end things permanently knowing that him being a part time Dad will break his heart? Not having me will break his heart too.

All I want to do is focus on my pregnancy and baby. I need time out and space. I just want to nurture this life growing inside me and keep it safe. The reality is, I don’t currently have the emotional or mental capacity to consider a relationship of any form.